One of the more ridiculous myths about “true love” is the idea of the soulmate – that there is someone out there who is your perfect match.
A good relationship is about navigating the numerous differences between you – over politics, food, money, how to raise children.
It’s those differences that make life more interesting, as our lover opens up a whole new way of seeing or understanding the world.
Enjoy what others have to offer rather than trying to change them to fit your own template of how life and love should be. Expecting someone to be everything you need and everything you are not is a recipe for disaster.
Ridiculing or humiliating each other is not a good idea, or a good omen.
But if you can both talk honestly about what irritates or upsets you and why, you are more likely to understand each other better.
Brush up on your dating skills and discover what you should NEVER do on the first few dates if you want to have a successful long-term relationship.
In other words, being easy, congenial, and friendly made a person more "likeable," but make them likeable.
This finding left me wondering whether this distinction between liking/friendship and desiring/attraction could be behind other romantic issues as well.
It can feel easier to avoid being honest if we feel that could be hurtful, but it is only with honesty that trust is built, and trust is the essence of a good relationship. There are different qualities to sex at different stages in a long relationship: first, passion; the urgency of reproductive sex; snatched sex in the early years of parenthood; then the slower intimacy of midlife onwards.
But our culture presents only one type as being valid: youthful, vigorous, usually penetrative.
As the title suggests, the researchers were interested in exploring whether our motivation for liking something might be separate from our motivation to want or desire it—and if these motivations were separate, could they sometimes be in conflict with each other?
To test these questions, the researchers designed two experiments that "jilted" some participants in various ways.
Previously, I wrote here on research about when you should play "hard to get" in relationships.
That research also found an interesting distinction between behaviors that created "liking" and those that increased "desire" (Dai, Dong, & Jia, 2014).
Few things are more heart-breaking than losing the man you love.
Michael Webb is one of the world's most sought-after relationship experts and he tells you how you can get just about any man to want to reconcile.